You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Help. Why am I so naked?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
