Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
