eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
