I can't watch pbs sober anymore
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
