he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
