my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
