Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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