The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
