Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
