ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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