Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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