Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
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