she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
