I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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