"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
