Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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