drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
