i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
