WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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