I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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