Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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