He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
