if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
