wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
