I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
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