There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
