I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
