im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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