OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
