ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
50% drunk capacity currently
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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