i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
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