and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
