I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
