Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
