YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
