Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
