Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
