chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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