What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
