God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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