he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
