what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
