I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
