How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
