Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
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