Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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