Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
