i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Randomize
