my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
