this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
